It's been forever.

I know. I've been neglecting this blog.

Maybe I should write here more

Instead of letting all the thoughts just get to me.

I don't like it when the swirl inside my brain..

Creating pain out of nothing.

the worst part is...

..they do it so easily...

You know..

I don't know what to do anymore.

My life feels empty.

I don't like how it's being led.

But it's so hard to change.

I feel like a brick wall is surrounding me,

restricting me from ever changing

and no matter how hard I pound into it,

how much I drill and stab and smash it,

it still controls me

still holds my heart captive

still kills me.

I'm tired of looking around me

and have everything that is supposedly a part of me

be a part of someone else.

I'm tired of others defying my life.

I think the worst of this is that

All of "me" is almost nothing of myself, and mostly of others,

and yet, I'm criticized the most for it,

out of anyone I know.

And then,

I have to deal with other people's shit

and their constant complaints

about how their life is the worst there is.

I'm a good sport about it.

Offering advice, listening.

You know?

But it gets tiring.

Being there for people..

and being outcasted by them nonetheless.

I'm Wondering

Again.

I know it's no good

for me.

But what if..

I can't help it?

I mean, 

It is my subconscious, after all.

Oh well. What can I do?

I've been sick recently. It sucks. 
A helluvu lot.
But I digress.
I've been feeling better
these past two days.
Which is a good thing, I suppose.
You know what,,,
I haven't written
to him
in a long long time.


Oh yeaa. 
You guys didn't know
about that,
The fact that I write
to him.
The one that makes my heart beat
my stomach drop
my love flow
even more than my tears.


I wonder.. Do you even know
his name?


Probably not.
Maybe I won't tell you. But you can guess.
Based on the backround photo.
and my name.


anyways.
I'd like to say something
that I was meaning to write
a few days ago.
I cried the other day.
A long cry..
I mean, it's not too unusual
but it wasn't because of
family issues.
or something.
I saw a pigeon outside
and while passing it
I noticed 
it was walking strangely
limping.
So upon better observation
I notice the fact that
one of its feet
wasn't there.
In its place was
a stub.
It made me
quite sad.
I mean.
Winter is showing its face
and that got me thinking
This bird probably won't survive the winter
because of something that the human world caused it to suffer.
Here it is, limping the streets of New York
eating crumbs off dirty floors.
with a stub for a foot.
because some wretched manmade invention
cause its foot to be ripped off
without any pity
for it is an object,
It does not feel.
Unlike the poor pigeon
which suffered pain for so long
because its foot was teared off
pure and simple
with no help from anyone
no medicine, natural or manmade
no love.
That's not the only thing
that strung a pain in my heart.
When I passed this poor thing
and looked at it
I looked up at me
in total mortal fear.
As if it was living
in complete and utter Fear 
of everything
in the human world.
it wasn't a -This is a big freaky human- kind of fear
it was a pure -I don't want to be hurt anymore- fear.
and that made me
cry.








I think the worst part is
that after all that..
It decided to rain like a bitch that day
for at least an hour
And I swear to you
that was the hardest rain
I've ever seen in my life.

Ninja Fish.

Would be cool, yea?

There should be some..

I'd buy em.

Hmmm....

Meanwhile. Nothing's new on my side.

I made a formspring thingy?

http://www.formspring.me/Eikou

That thing^

It's where people can like..

Anonymously ask me shiz.

Wondering about stuff..

isn't all that great.

It feels as if my mind 

is being clogged..

with worthless shit

that shouldn't have been there in the first place.

Life's a bitch anyways.

What's it matter?

Thinking about opening up

an art shop..

on Gaia.

Don't know if

I'll be able to handle it.

With school, dealing with my mom

With the way my hand

Hates to draw

at the Worst time.

I wonder

if life will ever

stop being cruel

for once.

And decide to

be a bit nice

to this Hell of 

a world.

I wonder..

A lot.

Especially today.

But again, I don't like it. 

So I'll go and

get distracted.

Bye.

I'd put a heart.

But I'm afraid 

that it'd just be

another 

meaningless

token of affection.

...

Why?

Why must I have fallen in love with Him?

Is it even what they call love?

People I know question me constantly: What attracts you about Him?

With that tone of voice that I don't appreciate..

The fact of the matter is, Everything about him attracts me.

Nothing doesn't. I want every inch of him to myself.

Why, that's the question that's repeated constantly.

Why do I love a man loved by millions?

Why do I love someone that has no clue that I exist so deeply?

Why do I love a man frowned upon by what I have as friends?

Why is he the one to easily put a smile on my face?

Why does my soul cry out for him? 

Why do sorrow and happiness join him in my thoughts?

Why is it him?

But really,

Why me?..

It All Starts Somewhere

And my "it" will start here.
This, obviously, is my first post.

The name's Eikou, pleased to meetchya.

I am.. well, a girl, for one. A girl who just pinched a nerve in her elbow. D< Raa!

Sorry, anyways. 

As well as being a girl, I'm a 15 year old, basically.

A lesbian as well.

One who happens to have a man 20 years older than her on her mind, Constantly.

I'll be talking about him, A lot.

Anyways...

For the lack of knowing what to say at the moment, I'll just say this:

It'll be nice, spouting anything I want here. 

Sayonara for now~